The Palin Problem

Re: Operation The Real David Palmer
To: Election Rules and Bylaws committee
CC: Black Ops
From: Shaka Azaria, field research agent
Subj: Alternative scenarios to resolve the "Palin Problem"

In light of the changing situation in Operation TRDP, I have suggested that we come up with some "alternative" scenarios to fetter Alaskan Gov. Sarah Palin out of the race thus undermining the campaign of Republican rival, Sen. John McCain.

I have been in contact with Agent Ned Nanook of the North aka "Triple N," and there are some concerns that he will not go "all the way" with his mission to ruin the campaign of his wife. Something about "loving her." Special Agent Malveaux is doing her best to counteract this unforeseen devotion to such a woman who is not Suzanne Malveaux.

Seriously, how could anyone choose that faux school marm who's look like Tina Fey a la a Skinamax feature called "Naughty Teacher Assistants 6: Attack of the 12 inch rulers."

Not that I've ever watched such a thing.

Suzanne, when dressed appropriately with a cigarette dangling from her lips looks like a "hawt" Creole version of a Russian counter-intelligence James Bond vixen.

But that's just my opinion.

Since there is a 30 percent chance Agent Malveaux will not be able to properly manipulate Triple N, I am suggesting these following alternatives to bait and embarrass Gov. Palin.

BEAT THE PRESS

Scenario #1:

Media Watch. Palin didn't show up on any of the Sunday shows the weekend of Sept. 6th. This leads me to believe that she's basically a punk ass ... you know what. All talk. No game. Even Special Agent Obama took on The Russert. Both Clintons took on The Russert. What's so scary about Chris Wallace, Wolf Blitzer, Tom Brokaw and George Stephanopoulos? The only one worth fearing is Bob Schieffer on CBS and he only has a half hour show. How badly knifed up can you get with questions in a half hour?

Yeah, it's with Schieffer, who was The Russert's only real competition outside of the pugilists on "60 Minutes" who are scary as hell (except Anderson Cooper. Seriously. How did he get on there? Leslie Stahl and Andy Rooney could kick his ass and Andy can barely hold his own head up.)

Columnist/feminist writer Joan Walsh of Salon.com has started her own Palin media watch (using a widget created by MoveOn.org) to see when this wunderkind is going to pop up in an interview with someone, anyone.

While our operatives in the media and on the Web apply pressure to embarrass her into showing up on any show (I mean, FOX News? She couldn't go on Hannity's America? It's not like he's going to ask a hard question other than, "Do you have legs and do you know how to use them?" He's a pig, but a kiss as for his own kind.)

I have some "theories" that Palin is a mere empty suit who would wither under the scrutiny of the national press, but we mustn't overplay our hand. Palin is (allegedly) good looking and smart, could adapt quickly, being able to successfully cry victim and gain sympathy points (despite declaring herself a pitbull with lipstick. Which is sort of like calling yourself a bitch. Because that's the technical term for a female canine. A bitch. That's all I'm saying.) Needless to say, no one would let Sen. Clinton get away with the BS, but know the Democrats, Palin could cry a river and they'd back off.

It's totally lame and sexist but that's how the world works.

OUT VICTIM A VICTIM

Scenario #2:

Find way to counteract "sexist" allegations with finding "racist" allegations against her. This many be difficult. The woman married an Eskimo. She might play the "Inuit card" if there are any accusations.

WHO'S GOT GAME?

Scenario #3:

Have First Class Agent Obama challenge Palin to a game of two-on-two basketball. McCain and her versus Obama and Biden.

Agent O has the edge as he can still shoot threes. Let's see if this Palin person can take it to the rack. Biden can easily take McCain. Unfortunate war injuries have made it so he can't raise his arms above his head, so Biden's got that covered.

Downside: She could play the victim of getting beat at basketball by Obama who is the political equivalent of Michael Jordan.

THE PRIEST

Scenario #4:

Introduce our most secret agent, "The Priest," to work his way into Palin's inner circle and convince her to go more "evangelical" with her extremist views on morality and religion.

Palin has a bit of censorship, piety streak. (As mayor of Wasilla she tried to ban books and fire the popular librarian.) She's no Libertarian. She's an uptight, "do as I say, not as I do," fire and damnation type.

The right player could EASILY push her over to the edge.

"The Priest" has been very successful at doing everything from getting Tom Cruise to derail his acting career to get Will Smith more roles to converting wayward black entertainers and athletes. ("The Priest" saved Chris Tucker's soul.)

The Priest is notorious for being able to get the so-called pious to commit major faux pas. Former Sen. Bill Frist. John Hagee. Former Archbishop Raymond Burke. Pat Robertson. That one really Jesus-y Baldwin brother. Almost every sexist, racist, batshit insane uttering in America can be traced back to the work of The Priest. He's a covert genius and our best bet at making Palin sound so insane that she will be unelectable. He'll have her quoting Revelations and calling for the stoning of prostitutes and Mormons by the time he's done with her.

I await your suggestions.