It's January 2009 and Barack Obama has been sworn in as the 44th president of the United States and enters the White House's Oval Office to be briefed by out-going Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. When Obama enters he finds the room filled with stacks of paper, even on the desk. On the desk a note is pinned to it. Obama picks it up and looks at it and reads it aloud.
"My bad?" he said, looking curiously at Rice.
"It's from George. He wanted to tell you in person, but ... well, you know George. He doesn't like confrontation," she said with a big smile and a bit of perk as she whips out a hefty document.
"I just want to brief you on a few things before I leave. A little house cleaning," she said.
Men in suits enter the room, light the fireplace and begin tossing documents into it, while others put them into shredder.
"I hope you don't mind the noise," Rice said.
"What are you ..? Should you be destroying these," Obama says picking up one of the documents that reads naked pictures of Valerie Plame. One of the men snatches it away and pitches it into the fireplace. Another man begins taking a sledgehammer to a computer in an adjoining room.
"They're just trash. Nothing important. Anyway. Let me just get to your briefing!" Condi opens the notebook and begins calmly but rapidly reading," Congratulations President Mc ...," Condi shrugs a little and smiles, "Congratulations President Obama on your win. We with the Bush Administration are sure you are more than capable to handle all the work we weren't able to finish before we left office."
"Wait? Work you didn't finish?" said Obama leaning in as he sees some men carry what looks like a cadaver out of an adjoining room. "What on earth? Is that ...?"
"Don't mind that."
"But who was that? Was that a dead body?"
"It's just a little, you know? Skeleton in the closet. Who doesn't have a skeleton or two or a dead body or three in a secret room behind a false wall," said Condi with a nervous laugh. "It's Scooter Libby."
"It's no big deal. He just sort of died ... naturally, of course, right after George gave us all retroactive immunity. But Scooter signed a deal with Random House for a tell-all sooo ..."
Obama looks at Condi with concern.
Condi smiles, "Moving on! Now there's nothing too big to be concerned about. Just a few little things," she said.
"Well, we've been letting the Chinese steal our military intelligence so they'd keep lending us money, but now they know what crappy shape we're in militarily and plan on invading and retaking Taiwan."
"They say they're going to invade in late February and they expect us to stay out of it. Oh! And another thing, the bailout of the financial sector was a stalling action. Inflation is going to jump by more than 100 percent or more next week and that might be exasperated by a little fuel crunch because the Iranians are moving to cut off the straight of Hormuz so they can control oil flow. We really can't do anything about it because we've decided to do a naval blockade around Taiwan. It probably won't work though, but ... we'll see what happens!
"Oh ... and also, we can't kill or capture bid Laden because he's a former CIA operative who went rouge and if anyone finds that out ... well, you know?
"And Putin said he's going to invade Poland, for real, because of the anti-missile system. He says he's going to do it the same week China invades Taiwan because they've forged a new Sino-Russo alliance and are coordinating their attacks. Putin also said he 'triple dog dares us' to do something about it because he knows we can't because we're too over extended with the two wars and all and the Chinese told him almost all our fighter jets have fatal flaws in their design that could result in spontaneous explosions, but Boeing promises they will get it all fixed for us in the next six months for another $220 billion."
Condi ignores Barack's frustration and keeps going.
"Lastly our system to store nuclear waste doesn't work and we're looking at the entire Colorado River water system being wiped out in about two months. It will probably be undrinkable and make most of California, Nevada and the Pacific Northwest uninhabitable for the next 100 so you're looking at the mass migration of millions of people out of the west, crowding Midwest and Eastern states and cities without jobs living in shanty towns."
"Wait. Can't we do ...?"
"The water's already been compromised. The first casualties could begin in a matter of weeks. It should be in the hundreds of thousands or more."
"You kept this to YOURSELF???"
"George hates confrontation," Condi said. "Anyhoo! I think that's it."
Condi begins to gather her things to go. Behind her men and former Bush staffers are stealing everything that isn't nailed down. One man is stripping the copper out of the walls.
"Oh," said Condi remembering another tidbit. "I think we may have told Israel to do whatever it wants in the Middle East because we signed this secret, possibly illegal treaty that says we can never, ever second guess them and that if they go to war with Iran we have to help and I think they plan to go to war with Iran on ... next Thursday. So you might want to let the Joint Chiefs of staff know that so they can be prepared for when the Iranians take out Camp Victory in Iraq and seize Baghdad."
Obama stares at Rice, his mouth agape, stunned. Rice is still chipper as she readies herself to leave, shoving the classified document in his hands.
"Just so you know the toilet in the oval office leaks a little so you might want that fixed, and it doesn't flush quite right so sometimes you have to jiggle it and Vista keeps crashing on the computers in the White House so you might want to go back to using Windows XP! Good luck!"
Obama stands in the middle of the Oval Office as Rice walks away. The men disposing of paper are almost done, but the room is still a mess. A pair of men walk past Obama carrying to corpse of Bob Woodward.
"Condoleezza!" screams Obama starting to run after her.
Condi jaunts quickly away, shouting over her shoulder at Barack as she escapes, "DON'T HAVE ME BROUGHT UP ON CHARGES! GEORGE GAVE ME RETROACTIVE IMMUNITY!!! I'M SORRY! CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING THE FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT! GOD BLESS AMERICA!"
Obama stands dumbfounded as she leaves in the elevator. He looks back at the Oval Office and sighs. He looks at the heavy document in his hands and turns to the memo on page one. It reads "Bin Laden determined to attack the United States Again." There's a yellow sticky note attacked to it.
Obama rips it off and reads it out loud.
"My bad, Johnny Mac. Sorry about the whole black daughter thing, but your the decider now so, we're cool, right? Awesome. Ah-hee-hee-hee. God bless America. Sincerely, 43."